A wahine who has agreed to talk about her experience of intimate partner violence to help other wahine considering leaving their relationships, points out that there are no signs at the start of a relationship that it will get violent.
Statistics show that half of all New Zealanders have experienced or will experience domestic violence from a romantic partner.
“It’s not like you intend to be with someone who will abuse you,” Ana Silva (Ngāti Wairere, Ngai Tāwake and Ngāti Kuri) said.
Silva said the violence slowly built up from smaller forms of violence she brushed off, like the language he’d use towards ex-partners and herself and other verbal cues.
Then it would increase and she’d wonder: “Was that abuse? No, that was just a push”. Looking back, she said the signs were there but she didn’t understand them and she didn’t realise they were red flags.
“After I was hapū the violence really escalated and became really serious, with hitting, punching and strangulation,” Silva said.
Normalisation of abuse
Having seen her mum in an abusive relationship, she didn’t want to be in the same position but realised she was subconsciously doing or saying things her mum had said: “I can’t leave him because if he’s doing this to me he must be in a really bad place so I’ve got to help him through it.”
Silva said she believed a lot of her ex-partner’s violence was subconscious. She understood from his whakapapa and sense of norm it was learned behaviour playing out. But, if she called it out, he would say it was her fault and there was no accountability, or moments of accountability, just continued behaviour.
Abuse was also normalised in the social environments in her upbringing, wider whānau, and community.
When she went through the abuse she found her whānau didn’t have the tools to support her. Some found it difficult to empathise with her, and it was triggering for them.
Sadly, many of her friends were also experiencing domestic violence.
“We couldn’t really help each other because we were all in the same boat,” she said. “Everyone was kind of drowning in their own sh** and we barely had a lifeline for ourselves.”
She said it was hard when everyone was going through it, and she didn’t know anyone who had broken the cycle of abuse themselves, until she found neurolinguistic coaching. Then she met a cousin who had been through it and managed to turn her life around.
‘Domestic violence is cultural’
She said largely domestic violence was left up to individuals. While it was common people didn’t talk about it or hold each other accountable.
For instance one of her ex-partner’s friends would talk about “smacking up their missus” and there was no accountability.
Meanwhile, she had tāne friends who were protective of wāhine and would speak up but, generally, she said that had been lost on people today.
“That’s when I realised it was bigger. It’s actually a culture that we normalise and allow to happen,” she said.
“When I think back to te ao Māori ways of being, you couldn’t get away with doing that because everyone was holding you accountable. Nowadays, no one is. And we’re not talking about it enough, and there’s not enough empowerment for our wāhine or people to leave,” she said.
Stigma, judgement, isolation, and shame
Instead people are faced with stigma and judgement. Instead of asking how they can be part of the solution, or how they can awhi people, or what people need, they say “why is she staying?” and leave it up to the individuals.
“And that isn’t helpful if we want to change this phenomenon that’s rocking our people because it’s so freaking normal,” she said.
She said people needed to be solution-focused, to collectively wrap around whānau because it was an isolating experience.
“People going through it are already battling with internal shame and guilt and embarrassment. When I was, I was whakamā to have gone through that and admit it,” she said.
She said victims had a lot of shame and they really just need ed to hear people say they loved them and supported them, no matter what.
“You come with a lot of shame and hurt and you really just need to hear, ‘we got you, we love you, what do you need?’ I think that would have been beautiful, feeling accepted and loved regardless,” she said.
The body keeps the score
Research has shown domestic violence needs to be treated as a serious health issue with health problems not only being injuries from the violence but continuing impacts. Including increased risks of cancer, respiratory and cardiovascular problems. cancers, digestive disorders, diabetes, pregnancy complications and mental health problems.
Silva said her body got used to extreme states and floods of brain chemicals from the relationship from the waning of honeymoon phases that would crash into abuse.
She was diagnosed with PTSD and depression as a result and she was in a state of anxiety, scared to be in public and interacting with people after being so isolated, and viewing the world from a place of fear.
“I would flinch when people came near me, always on edge and hyper-vigilant.”
It was so extreme she said it was difficult for her body and brain to rebalance when they were used to always being in those states.
She had also been failed by the social services and doctors who forgot to follow up, and messed up her referrals. She said the Western medicine and counselling didn’t work or weren’t sustainable.
The journey of healing
Silva said she took a holistic approach to releasing the trauma and the energy stored in her tinana. This included mindfulness, meditation, hā (breathing), mirimiri, yoga and being in nature.
She had to really commit to her healing and dedicate herself to a practice and creating habits.
The transformational part which rewired her brain was when she started coaching, which involved Neuro Semantics and neurolinguistics from a Māori worldview.
Silva said it reframed the meanings that govern the way people view themselves and the world, as the abuse had warped those.
They worked through places that triggered her and could give them new meanings looking at them from a place of strength, reminding herself she was safe and reinforcing her new narrative.
She could talk about her experience without the mamae, she said, because she got to the core root of it and now it was about managing her state.
Remember your mana, power, strength and greatness never left you
Silva said she wanted to touch on the strength because she didn’t want to leave people feeling disempowered and hoped people would not forget the mana and power they held, which never left them.
“What you’ve endured doesn’t define you but it can be a testament of your strength and your ability to move through any adversity in your life if you choose to,” she said.
“I just think when you’re experiencing it, you forget who you are, you forget your own strength and your own greatness.”
And she said that never changed.
“Your mana tuku iho never changes and the experience can allow you to be a light for other people,” she said.
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence and is seeking help find information below.
Women’s Refuge
Women’s Refuge offers services for women and their children experiencing family violence. Refuges are available 24/7.
The Women’s Refuge Shielded Site at the bottom of this page provides a private portal that has ideas for you to consider if you plan on leaving a relationship. It also provides a safe way to contact Women’s Refuge through live chat.
Freephone 0800 733 843
Family Violence Info Line (Are you OK)
The Family Violence Info Line is better known as Are you OK. The website has a list of family violence services and how to contact them. It offer ssupport seven days a week from 9am – 11pm. You can also download its Bright Sky app to find support and information.
Family Violence Info Line (Are you OK)
Freephone 0800 456 450
In Your Hands
This website is for people using violence who are looking to change their behaviour, and the people supporting them to do so. Learn how to take steps towards a safer future for you and your whānau.
In Your Hands website(external link) - it has a 24/7 web chat service if you want to speak with a trained counsellor.
Freephone 0800 456 450
Shine
Shine offers 24/7 support:
- to anyone experiencing family violence
- to anyone worried about their own harmful behaviour
- if you’re worried about someone else.
The Shine website offers an online chat function and information about planning for safety and wellbeing.
Freephone 0508 744 633
Other services that can help
Safe to talk — sexual harm helpline
Safe to talk provides confidential support from trained specialists to anyone who has experienced sexual harm. If you’re unsure whether you have experienced sexual harm, you can talk to them about it. They’re available 24/7.
The website also offers an online chat function.
Safe to talk website(external link)
Freephone 0800 044 334(external link)
Text 4334(external link)
New Zealand Police
The Police are available 24/7 if you or someone you know is in immediate danger. In an emergency, you don’t need permission from the person being harmed to call the Police.
Freephone 111
If you’re deaf, hard of hearing, or speech impaired you can use 111 TXT to contact the Police in an emergency.
111 TXT for hearing and speech difficulties — New Zealand Police
For non-urgent enquiries
The Police are also available for non-urgent enquiries. Concerned partners or whānau members can ask the Police if a person has a history of family violence. This information is available through the Family Violence Information Disclosure Scheme.
Freephone 105
Family Violence Information Disclosure Scheme
Victims Assistance Scheme
The Victims Assistance Scheme is for victims of a very serious violent, sexual, or fatal crime. Under this scheme, you may be able to have some of your costs covered that relate to the crime, the justice process, and your recovery.
Victims Assistance Scheme website
Get legal advice and help
It may be helpful to talk to a lawyer when you’re applying for a protection order or a parenting order. A lawyer can help you apply for court orders and they may also represent you in court.
